The colors of loss

Most days I function well, as do others. But, some of those days, it’s difficult. No, not due to physical pain, but more due to emotional pain, what I feel, what I experience, what I remember.

Sorrow, thoughts of what would have made that situation better, actions I could have taken, words I could have said. All suddenly consume my thoughts and actions at a moments notice. The thoughts of what if? or why? are paramount in my mind. I find no peace or contentment in that moment.

That’s the problem. I am not happy at those times. I am not content. I feel stagnant, unable to move forward and berating myself for the inability to work out the issues that keep me in place.

I try to focus on the positives, take a moment to enjoy the here and now. For me that’s the rear of the house, the woods, squirrels, and birds. It’s also ideas that flit across my mind drawing in some of the magic around me – fusing color into my senses. I know it’s about enjoying the moment and feeling the sorrow but curtailing the anger as I don’t know who it’s focused at, me or the one I have lost. Definitely hard to do!

If I remember the person who has passed and good memories, the positive they brought to my life and others the colors of their life take shape and help heal. Though that person is now gone, those pictures remain.

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